Thanks, Pollyanna, for your comments about my last posting. You have a good point: what about those people who offer to help, then never do anything, never call again?
I have a few theories about that. Take your pick.
Theory number one is that "Let me know what I can do to help" is often just a sort of verbal space filler, like Have a nice day, or How are you. People who ascribe to this theory don't really want to help and certainly don't want you to let them know. Just thank them and write them off.
Theory number two says "Let me know what I can do" is a way of throwing the ball back into your court. These people really want to do something but don't now what. So tell them. So call. So ask.
Theory three has to do with fear. "Number three" people worry that if they do something it will be the wrong something. They worry that offering to help will make you feel worse: more incapacitated , less independent. They fear that they will cry, and that will make you feel worse and that will make them feel worse and etc. etc. Treat them kindly, and they'll return the favor.
Theory four has to do with fear of a different kind – personal cowardice. These folks are the "I just want to remember her the way she was" bullshit crowd. Run, don't walk, away .
In my own case, when I hear, "Let me know what I can do," if there is no proof to the contrary I tend to put my faith in theory number two. And I try to remember to be patient, to be honest, to be realistic. I know my friends are very busy. I know how easy it is for me, doing next to nothing , to let the days slip by without reaching out to people I care for. So I try to cut some slack, and then I try to remember to just pick up the phone.
